The Skyrim Speedway Part 31

Looking for other Skyrim Speedway posts? Part One has links to them all!

So last time on the Speedway, we left behind the delightful holiday spot that is Solstheim and returned to the mainland of Skyrim. Naturally, the first thing Orc Orcersson does on stepping off the boat is get violent. Uh, not that I’m stereotyping orcs here.

See, one of our few remaining achievements in this game is called “Master Criminal”. This one is awarded for having a bounty of at least 1000 gold in all nine of the Holds of Skyrim. It is probably the most misnamed achievement in the game because to get a bounty that high in that many places you’d have to be a very, very incompetent criminal indeed. For our purposes, guards respawn and give you a bounty of 1000 gold if killed, so just shanking a guard and running is going to be the play here.


As I said, Orc steps off the boat and immediately becomes a cop killer. The game won’t let you fast travel while pursued by guards, which is fair enough, but the timer for them to “give up looking”, even if you’ve run a mile away to the bottom of a huge dungeon, is annoyingly long. I’m doing this fast, so Orc gets to use console command magic to kill a guard, make sure it was witnessed, then move to the next city.

It still wasn’t smooth. I’m sure at some point in the future Orc’s going to be surprised by a string of guards appearing out of nowhere to arrest him (like on the Emperor’s boat!) having tracked us T-1000 style for a week straight. Also, there’s only 2 guards in Winterhold and this one:


Is the worst guard ever. He didn’t care when we murdered his partner in front of him, and he doesn’t even care about being stabbed himself! Luckily, a civilian wandered outside so she could be the murder witness to the killing of Bad Guard instead.

Eventually, Orc is sufficiently wanted in the whole of Skyrim and we’re given “Master Criminal”.


It’s time to repay our debt to society


Or not, because there’s also an achievement for escaping jail. Notice the open cell door? The game lets you smuggle one lockpick into jail with you. Orc has the Skeleton Key of Nocturnal on him, a perfect lockpick. Yeah, getting out wasn’t hard. Readjusting to normal society was, those 30 seconds on the inside changed Orc. When he went in, you hardly saw carts. Now the streets are full of them…

Anyway, the successful breakout gets us the achievement “Wanted”. It and “Master Criminal” should really switch names, it’d make so much more sense.

As cities are a bit hot right now, Orc decides to spend some time out in the nice lawless countryside. It won’t be hard to pay off the remaining bounties as and when they come up. In the meantime, the countryside has a few dragon lairs, and we need to ride some dragons!


Wheeeeeee! Actually, flying the dragons only looks cool. You can’t really direct them and they looove flying in circles. That said, the Bend Will shout still useful because it’s great for ending dragon fights instantly, with the caveat that you don’t get the dragon soul because you turn them to your side instead of kill them! Hmmm, I suppose you could still kill them after they join you? A touch morally unsound, if you ask me.

It’s pretty quick to do the rounds and dominate a few dragons, so “Dragonrider” is ours. By the way, bear this ability in mind when we do the next few parts of the main quest….

With very few things left to do and the finest prison in the land broken out of, Orc reluctantly returns to the Thieves Guild. As you may remember, when abandoned the Guild last time Orc was tasked with returning the Skeleton Key to the shrine of Nocturnal to restore the glory of the guild or whatever. Orc instead kept it on him because an infallible lockpick is very useful, but we need the Guild quest achievements now and this is the only way. To the shrine, then.


There’s a ghost just inside the shrine entrance, it’s the old guildmaster! If I cared about any of the characters, this might have been an interesting revelation. As it is he tells us something about a Pilgrim’s Path, but not a cool one in a unique location given by the last survivor of an ancient race for an epic bow. No, this one has us go though a cave fighting purple ghosts to be monologued at by Nocturnal.


At least she knows how to make an entrance!

Anyway, Orc uses the Key to unlock the portal to Nocturnal’s Plane of Oblivion, which on the surface sounds like a really bad idea -the last time a Daedric Prince manifested in person it was called “the Oblivion Crisis”- but it all goes well and the Guild is “restored”. It also means that instead of getting to keep the Key that unlocks everything, Orc is sent on his thieving career way with a minor power he’ll never use.

Sadly, this isn’t over, although the “‘”story”‘” is and Karliah and Ghostman got a touching reunion Orc bailed on as soon as the game let me. The final Thieves Guild achievement is for “Restoring the glory of the Thieves Guild”. Apparently, simply opening the power of the elemental plane of sneakery to all the guild or whatever dumb purple chicanery Orc just did doesn’t count. Maybe I’ll have to actually meaningfully interact with the Thieves Guild characters to unlock their potential??

No, I looked it up and it’s worse than even that. I have to do enough randomly generated “Steal X item” quests to unlock 4 more quests which, when completed, will make Orc Guildmaster. In theory, this is a better system than the other guilds where you reach the end and they just go “guess you’re in charge now, new guy!”. In practice, the Thievery random quests suuuuuuuuck. I’m definitely going to try and spare Orc from them.

Time Elapsed: 31hr 21m

Achievement Progress: 69/75

Next time: Cheating the thieves!


One thought on “The Skyrim Speedway Part 31

  1. Pingback: The Skyrim Speedway: Part 1 – Memoirs Of A Crime Bird

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