The Skyrim Speedway Part 32

Looking for other Skyrim Speedway posts? Part One has links to them all!

Previously, Orc Orcersson had once again got himself entangled in the black hole of failure that calls itself the Thieves Guild. This will not stand.

And so, on a nicely foggy Riften morning, with one deft line of l33t h4xxoring, all the prerequisite quests are skipped and Orc’s journey to rebuild the Thieves Guild is ‘complete’.


And yes, if I’d looked up the exact triggers to do every achievement related quest this way, I could have sped up this speedrun significantly! However, as I mentioned at the start I was worried overusing console commands to skip quests would utterly break the fragile scripting the game uses, corrupting the save. I’m not as worried about that now we’re nearly done.

Back at Thieves Guild HQ, all that’s left is the ceremony! Orc of course invites the Super Dremora Bros along and if we currently had a sidekick, they’d also be allowed in the supersecret crime clubhouse. Also, everyone’s commenting on how much better everything looks despite it being literally exactly the same, but even if you do do the quests normally its still ends up an ugly sewer, so whatever!


After the ceremonial speech we get issued our ceremonial Guildmaster armour, which is slightly better than regular Guild armour but on orcs has a very obvious baldcap instead of the hood that’s supposed to be there.


That sort of thing is worse if you play one of the actual beast races, Orc’s gotten off lightly. None of that matters, because we’re “One With The Shadows” now and completely done here.

But even though our time with the official Thieves Guild is over….maybe there’s more left to steal. Maybe the greatest theft a person can do.

Maybe Orc can steal….someone’s heart?

Not literally; although Orc does actually have a few human hearts kicking around in his inventory from various places. No, I mean ~love~~

Donning the Amulet of Mara we got for helping out the temple a while ago, Orc talks to his faithful Housecarl Lydia, mostly because I knew exactly where to find her.


Lydia wastes no time in unprofessionally propositioning her boss who’s only ever said 2 sentences to her and never even bothered furnishing the tiny house he makes her spend all her time in. Also, she couldn’t even see the Amulet under Orc’s armour. He must simply ooze charisma.

The ceremony is a simple one at the Temple of Mara in Riften. Orc would have preferred a beachside ceremony, but that wasn’t an option. Both bride and groom wore heavy armour and as you can see, all of Lydia’s friends showed up.



To be fair, I’m not completely sure who most of the people on Orc’s side are either. I could see why the Assassins might want to stay out of public events, but you’d think at least the Companions and Mages would send a representative. Orc’s going to avenge this insult by ignoring both organizations even harder. As vows are exchanged, the achievement “Married” pops up. Afterward, Lydia asks where we should live; Orc’s house, or Lydia’s house. Given that Lydia lives in Orc’s Whiterun property, this isn’t much of a choice.

Still, even though the house is really very small, it still seems empty. Orc has more love to give!

Next stop, the Orphanage!

Surprisingly,  there’s actually some requirements here; you can’t just show up and leave with as many kids as you can carry. Orc got quizzed on his name, occupation and housing status. There was a long list of occupations to pick from; Orc went with Archmage of Winterhold and got a “Wow, really” that was probably meant to be “impressed” but that I can’t help but interpret as “You want to be associated with that?”. That wasn’t the stumbling block though, it was the lack of suitable accommodation. Despite owning 4 houses, Orc hadn’t furnished any and apparently, you can’t have orphans sleep on the ground!

I genuinely couldn’t remember how to furnish a normal house, so to make up for the inconvenience Orc decided to put some beds in his Hjaalmarch manor to house the orphan. I’ll remind you that house is in a remote part of a frozen swamp with a lot of monsters nearby. Let’s see how they like that.

Then Orc finds out that these spoiled orphans don’t count their room as complete unless it has a dresser. Orc doesn’t even have a dresser, he has to dump things in the provided chest outside the house! Once more back to Hjaalmarch, and finally…


Even if she didn’t have something to say about being woken up at 3am, you’d think the orphanage lady would have something about the fact that said murder was committed by the guy she’s giving a kid to, but nope! Also I know you can’t exactly hold Skyrim to the standards of modern times, but a very brief background check might have turned up that Orc still has murder bounties on him in 4 holds, one of which is for Emperoricide…

None of that matters though so Orc adopts the kid closest to the door on the grounds they have most hustle. “Proud Parent” achievement!


Here’s the whole family in their lavishly minimally furnished quarters. Lydia just moved in on her own, so at least her and the orphan are going have each other in this forbidding wilderness.


It is pretty here in Death Swamp at least!

Orc doesn’t have time to stick around and be a responsible parent though, it’s time to do something about the dragon threat facing Skyrim!


We needed to find Alduin’s secret lair, so  we talk to Paarthurnax, who gives us the name of one of Alduin’s top lieutenant dragons. It’s also a session for little graphical oddities, from all the way up here you can clearly see from the edge of the horizon that the world is a) flat and b) missing chunks from each side. Spooky!

Also here’s Paarthurnax looking goofy teaching us the Call Odahviing shout.


Knowing now that dragons come when called and knowing Odahviing is the name of a suitable dragon, Orc heads to Whiterun where the Jarl has readied the ancient dragon trap within.


Still works. Also note the court mage is there annoying the dragon with dumb questions in one of the funnier exchanges in the game.

We get an achievement for this – “The Fallen” – but have otherwise hit an impasse. See, Odahviing here has told us that Alduin is hiding out in Sovngarde, aka Skyrim Valhalla. There’s a way to reach it in an ancient mountaintop temple, but you need to be able to fly to get to that temple. Orc can’t fly, so what is he to do?

Time Elapsed: 31hr 58m

Achievement Progress: 73/75

Next time: When Orcs fly.


One thought on “The Skyrim Speedway Part 32

  1. Pingback: The Skyrim Speedway: Part 1 – Memoirs Of A Crime Bird

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